Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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