I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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