You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
