Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
