last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
