so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
