Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
