Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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