The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
