I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
