the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
