Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
