its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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