it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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