she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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