I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
