She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
