The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.