My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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