I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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