I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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