just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
