How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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