My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
