Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
