Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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