Quick, to the slutcave!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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