I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
