i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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