I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
