I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
