In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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