My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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