hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
