I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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