I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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