This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
