sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
