dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
