I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Randomize
