He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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