I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
