I accidentally had phone sex last night
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
