Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
