i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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