i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
