Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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