I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
