Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
