Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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