Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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