You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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