I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
